


i wish i could lie to you

by lafgl



Series: fragile heart [1]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: (she isn't There but it's very much About her), Female Percy Jackson, Femslash February, Femslash February 2020, Genderbending, Sexuality Crisis, i had to!, percy has a type.... curly haired girls with bold personalities... hm., she's just very confused, supportive silena beauregard, unnamed middle school crush (because we've all been there)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22550050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafgl/pseuds/lafgl
Summary: talking to silena beauregard about your crush is both:a) a brilliant idea, because, duh, she’s the daughter of Aphroditeb) a terrible idea, because, oh, right, she’s the daughter of Aphrodite.or, fem!percy and some musings on sexuality
Series: fragile heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553368
Comments: 3
Kudos: 80





	i wish i could lie to you

**Author's Note:**

> takes place from the year after the lightning thief through an indeterminate period of time somewhere between botl and tlo

it's hard to be myself  
when i don't know who i am

**space date ..//.. fredo disco**

* * *

“Have you ever met someone who makes your hands all sweaty... and I feel sick to my stomach, and nervous, and—”

“Aww, Percy’s got a crush! Who is he?”

“I— no, it’s— no one!”

Except it’s most definitely someone. _Someone_ with the most striking green eyes, a smile that lights up a room, and perfectly defined ash brown waves that would make the ocean jealous (and she would know). And Percy doesn’t even know her name. All she knows is she’s a year above her and has the locker above hers, and she says hello every time they pass each other in the halls, and every time she looks at Percy she feels her heart flutter. Percy's pretty sure she's said less than 10 words to her in the two weeks they've been back in school. An awkward _‘_ _Sorry…’_ or two trying to reach her locker, and a muttered _‘Thanks’_ in response.

It’s strange, because she knows what a crush is. She’s never really had one, but that was normal, right? After all, she’s only twelve, and it’s not like she had time for things like that after finding out about the gods. This _can’t_ be a crush. It’s just her anxiety working up. Every time she wants to open her locker at the same time she awkwardly excuses herself and tries not to get in her way. Crushes were supposed to feel magical, and fluttery, and this was _not_ that. In fact, it just made her feel sick. Completely unlike anything she’d ever heard about liking someone.

She brushes the conversation off and no one brings it up again, having moved on to the next bit of what classified as middle school drama. Whatever. It’s not like they were any help anyways. Or even her friends. Acquaintances, more like. Her friends were at camp. Of course she still considers Grover her best friend, but… she figures he won’t want to hear about any of this anyways. It was always in a joking manner, but he always teased her for showing any semblance of a ‘girl problem’. He covers up the fact that he’s uncomfortable by poking fun; and that’s fine with her. She knows that.

* * *

It crosses her mind every so often the rest of the year. Percy never does learn her name. And she’s still not sure what it means.

* * *

When she gets to camp, even in all the chaos of the tree, she finds herself talking to, who else, but Silena Beauregard. On one hand, a brilliant idea, because, _duh_ , she’s the daughter of Aphrodite, but also a terrible idea because, oh, right, _she’s the daughter of Aphrodite_. If there’s anything she needs to confront, it’s going to happen. She spills her guts to Silena, and it’s possibly the longest conversation they’ve ever had. Percy tells her about how she’s never had a crush, so she doesn’t know what it’s supposed to feel like (“It’s not _supposed_ to feel like anything… it just is.”), and explains how her brain seemed to self destruct whenever they were close. _And how stupid it is that I’m focusing on this now when the whole camp is in peril._

Silena listens. She doesn’t butt in (save from answering direct questions), she just lets Percy talk, and _listens_. When Percy’s done, she finally speaks: “You are _so_ funny,” she laughs. “That’s a crush if I’ve ever seen one.”

Leave it up to Aphrodite to bestow some sort of freaky love mind-reading gift on her daughter. Percy doesn’t really know what to say, both to Silena or this girl (if she ever sees her again). “So… what do I do?”

Silena rolls her eyes, like the answer is obvious. “Gods, Annabeth’s as oblivious as you are.”

 _Annabeth_?

Silena narrows her gaze. “Wait— you’re not talking about… Who _are_ you talking about?”

Intimidated by the rapid fire interrogation, Percy blurts out, “Some girl from my school that had the locker above mine this year! I passed her in the hallway every day and every time she said ‘hi’ to me I felt like turning into a puddle!”

“Oh.” Percy sees the gears turn in Silena’s head, wondering if she should just leave while she can, and try and forget this whole conversation even happened. Before she can decide, Silena takes her hands and speaks slowly; “I can’t just…” She sighs, trying to phrase her answer correctly. “Listen, Percy, there are some things you have to figure out for yourself.” Silence hangs between them, thoughts moving slowly in Percy’s head. Silena continues, “You know one’s going to judge you here.”

“Silena, I don’t even know what I…” Want? No, this isn’t something she _wants_ , she’s desperately trying to push it out of her mind, but… “I gotta go.” Quickly grabbing her stuff, Percy mutters a sheepish thanks to Silena and tries to forget their talk ever happened.

* * *

As much as she does want to bury it, one thing Silena said rings clear: _Annabeth._ Silena couldn’t’ve meant— no. That’s stupid. And ridiculous. If anything, she wants to _be_ Annabeth. Tough, and smart, and beautiful. Not that she’s not happy with her own looks. Annabeth’s just… better. At like, everything. She knows this place like the back of her hand, and she has friends. People respect her, and she’s tough enough to not take anyone’s shit.

For all of her snarky comments and sarcastic quips, Percy had never quite gotten that part down. Maybe that’s why she likes Locker Girl. She just oozes confidence and happiness and seems so ready to share it. Still, something in Percy’s gut tells her she doesn’t just want to be her. She’s smart, but everyone seems smart in comparison (even if Annabeth would beat her up for even thinking that, because she’s smart in her _‘_ _own way, Seaweed Brain’_ ). And she’s pretty, yeah, but… Percy likes her own short hair. It’s easy, and it suits her, and she’s heard Annabeth complain about the upkeep of her curls one too many times to ever wish it on herself. Locker Girl is _nice_. Maybe that’s stupid of her to say, considering they barely know each other well enough to be strangers. She _seems_ nice. Nice enough for Percy to want to know her better.

So maybe she _does_ like her... just in the admiring-from-afar kind of way. It was normal to admire people. She admired Clarisse, for the way she spoke her mind, and Luke, _at first_ , and Annabeth’s insanely fine tuned battle skills, and the fact that she could beat Percy at anything in her sleep. Well, to be fair, it's hard _not_ to notice Annabeth. She has the kind of voice you can pick out from a crowd, like she commands attention with every word that leaves her mouth _(and, oh, how she_ _does_ ). Not only that, but she’s an incredible fighter. Never was Percy quite as intimidated as when they dueled one on one. She was a _menace_ with that dagger, and strong too. Most of all—

Percy shakes the tangent from her mind. _This isn’t about Annabeth_ , she reminds herself, _This is about your helpless crush on that girl from school._

That’s the first time she actually acknowledges it herself. It’s funny — it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal until she starts to psychoanalyze every single frame of reference she has for the word. The girls in her class, incessantly asking her which boy she had a crush on at the beginning of every year. The way she would glance across the room, and pick the boy who looked the nicest. And, huh, she’s _pretty sure she told them she had a crush on Grover the year they met_. Which, for the record, she absolutely doesn’t. He’s like her brother, and... _ew_. With that aside… no boy she ever said she had a crush on made her feel like _that_. She just wanted to be their friends. And she would be, for a time. Until the next school, and the next set of girls who meant well, but ultimately never connected with her. It was just the way her world worked up to this point. She never stayed anywhere long enough to actually feel close to people, at least not in the way everyone else described their ‘best friends’. Now, she’s growing, and everything’s changing. Suddenly liking someone isn’t a bubbly, excited feeling, but a pit in her stomach — and she's not sure what the difference is.

* * *

It’s the first big thing she deliberately keeps from her mom. Not that Sally seemed too preoccupied with asking about crushes, or even grades; these days it was more often _‘_ _what life-threatening injuries did you sustain this time?’_ than something so mundane. It wouldn’t be a big deal. Percy knows that. She’s half-god, for crying out loud. Truth be told, she’d probably just be relieved to hear something comparatively normal as opposed to _‘_ _Hey mom, camp was great, I only almost died twice this year!’_

Nevertheless, she doesn’t, because deep down, she knows telling her means it’s real. (Sally Jackson would love her daughter no matter what. That was never the problem.) There _was_ a problem, undeniably — it nagged at the back of Percy’s mind, and she couldn’t seem to put a pin in it no matter how hard she tried.

* * *

It hits her like a truck only a few days later when they win the chariot race. Annabeth kisses her cheek and it’s like the entire world slows down around her. Her ears start to ring, and not from the cheers of the crowd.

She spends the rest of the afternoon kicking around camp, making sure she’s got everything in order. Grover, Chiron, her mom, Tyson… It doesn’t leave her all the time in the world to think, but her mind gravitates to Annabeth without a second thought. That’s telling, isn’t it?

Annabeth didn’t mean it like that, _obviously_. From what Percy can see, she still has feelings for Luke. It wasn’t something they talked about, but she could tell. The way she tensed up when people mentioned him; how she seemed to still care even after all he’s done. And Percy would rather die than make things more complicated for Annabeth, especially when Luke’s betrayal affected her so much. She won’t let her lose another friend if it’s in her control. So she keeps moving — _there’s a world that needs saving_ — and forces herself to stop thinking about how Annabeth’s hand would feel in hers.

* * *

She spends the rest of the year trying to forget. Just when she finally thinks she’s repressed it enough, they’re whisked away on another quest. Annabeth saves a dance for her when it’s over. But it’s not important. The least they’re owed for continuing to save the world is a bit of fun. To be normal, if only for one night. She owes that to Annabeth. She can’t lay this burden on her, not after everything they've been through to get here.

* * *

Rachel’s enough of a distraction. She’s a lot like Annabeth, in a certain light. Witty, and stubborn, with remarkable beauty. Blunt, too, which Percy’s thankful for — there’s no playing guessing games with how she feels; she’ll tell you. From that, it’s evident that Rachel‘s been flirting with her for the past few months. And to be honest, Percy isn’t set in about how she feels about it. She’s still not sure where she stands with the whole sexuality thing.

* * *

Annabeth kisses her, and there’s no question in her mind.

* * *

The one thing Percy can't wrap her head around is why doesn’t she feel the same way about Rachel. It would be easy to be with her; as easy as things could be for her, at least. Plus, Rachel’s gorgeous, _and she definitely likes me, but…_

_She’s not Annabeth._

**Author's Note:**

> hm! i'm still not sure how i feel about this! but, fuck it, it's femslash february!!!
> 
> i'm specifically interested in the dynamic i set up with percy and the differences between her crushes on this unnamed mystery girl and annabeth. i feel like she doesn't have a word for it (me either tbh) or really a frame of reference for how but they're very different in both the ways those crushes manifest and how she feels about them internally. initially, she's just young and not thinking about stuff like that because oh Shit she's a demigod and Bad Things Are Happening, but after things start to go back to normal she does start to feel some things she can't understand and doesn't really recognize, especially with the way she's been shoehorned into school after school, never really staying in one place long enough to form a lasting bond. it's different when she comes back every summer and annabeth's still there. and while her first thought when seeing her may have been, essentially, 'oh shit she's pretty', it's the friendship they develop that makes it real. idk!!! talk to me about it!!!!!


End file.
